• a) the fact that I set my alarm clock for 1PM
• b) the fact that I missed it and woke up at 5.15PM, or
• c) the fact that I’ve just set my alarm for tomorrow… at 1PM again

On a side note, I’m going to Queensland for a week in less than 30 something hours! It will be good to get away from the house, the job, the family and the cold. 

Hey there Mr Ryan!
Its been far too long, hows things back home?? Wat’ve u and all the others been up to?? Howd exams go??

Things over here are going awesome, having so much fun. Just left the Croatian Islands where the water is as blue as ure eyes and the sea urchins are as black as ure hair ha ha. But seriously it was just like paradise, like 32 degrees and sunny as hell everyday. We hired scooters one day and just went hooning round the mountains looking for little beaches etc.

Have I ever hated Australia even more?! No joke, over 50% of my friends are overseas at the moment. About 20% of them went on GAP years at the start of the year (mostly in England), a couple of them went to Canada to be ski instructors and continued traveling after the season finished, some are interstate in other universities, and the rest have left for Europe or America in the last few months to go traveling just for shits and giggles. That email excerpt was from one of my best mates - and I have never had such a bitter look on my face.

What was I thinking when I did said “no, not going to travel! Going to start my degree and get it over and done with! I’m the smart one!”. To make the situation worse, another friend who left on Monday is meeting up with that mate, a couple of other guys I went to school with, and the girl I was seeing before she left in January and a whole bunch of her friends for a week in a little villa in Spain. 

Australia sucks. Bronnie - it’s time for us to finally have that drink. Does a little house in the south of France suit you?

• Sef Gonzales, who lived in North Ryde (one suburb away from my uncle’s place and about 15 minutes drive from our place) murdered his father, mother and sister in their home in 2001. The sister, Clodine, 18 at the time, was not usually in Sydney, as she attended school in Melbourne - the same school and grade as two of my cousins.
• John Wayne Glover, a.k.a the North Shore Granny Killer, lived in Mosman (about 15 minutes drive from our place in the other direction) murdered at least six elderly women over a fourteen month period, including many additional bashings and sexual assaults. One of these sexual assaults occured at a nursing home which I did my community service at for eight days in high school, and one of these bashings occurred in one of the streets in my suburb (I’m yet to find out which one).

Both of these men (Glover committed suicide in 2005) as well as Milat and many other infamous Australian murderers (such as Mark Valera) were sentenced to multiple life sentences in gaol at the Goulburn Supermax Correctional Prison, located five minutes from a motel we’ve stayed in numerous times when going to Wakefield.

As a result of my recent mini-obsession with Australia murders (possible created by the recent documentary on the Snowtown Murders), I now know that if I sever your spine before shooting you in the head and putting your body into a barrel full of acid - I may get great satisfaction - often without the need for semen. Yahtzee!

As I was talking to a table about desert wines and clearing the rest of the shit off their table, I begin to feel an increasingly violent tug on my tail (service cloth) from the Slut-o-saurus on the table behind me. Deciding this is rather rude of her as I’m in mid-conversation with another table, I ignore the tugging and go to fetch current table the full wine list. As I re-approach the current table, El Skanko begins waving her arms. Perhaps I should’ve done the, “I’ll be with you in one minute” thing, but due to her prior rudeness, I decide to only acknowledge her when I’m finished with the current table… Then, over the top of all the restaurant buzz, I hear this; “Can you see the arrogance?!”. I finish with my current table.

…Paddy: ”What can I get you?”

Fishy Scent: ”Can you take our order?!”

Boyfriend of Mole: ”And can we have some more olive oil?!”

Friend of Loosey Goosey: ”And more bread!”

Whorebag: ”We’ve been waiting for ages!”

(Gonna punch her in the head, gonna punch her in the head)

Paddy: ”Certainly, I’ll just grab your waitress who is looking after your table and she’ll be able to help you.”

I walk away from the table as they’re still yelling out requests. Whether they’re fuckwits when they’re sober, god only knows. Other tables were continually turning to see where the loud voices were coming from throughout the night, and every waiter was convinced that someone on their table was the cause of the broken toilet seat we discovered later in the night. 

Maybe I am an arrogant waiter, but I’m not responding to someone tugging me, while I’m at another table from a dirty slag who isn’t even in my section. 

I have two… the volume of my car stereo or TV, or anything with a numerical volume, can never be on thirteen. And I like touching corners. Bizarre, I know. But I get strange urges to touch corners. I used to when I was younger, but have learnt to control myself. Yeah… I swear I’m normal though.

My Number: (Erin): I didn’t try. I fuckin got her

Random Number: How where is she now. When did you get her

My Number: (Erin & Ash): Had to tie the barking bitch up last night. Neighbours complained so much. So sorry mate. Whats doin tonight ?

Random Number: I will be fucking you up and then screwing her. You kid fucker

My Number: (Paddy): Wait… Dad, is that you?

No response message… we think he figured out he’d gotten the wrong number by this stage.

Miss breakfast because am up at 6.30 to get to work. Miss lunch because am at work. Get home at around 5. Eat way too much way too quickly. Miss dinner. Starving by 11. Lie in bed trying to sleep til early hours of morning.

Wake up. Miss breakfast because am up at 6.30 to get to uni. Miss lunch because I haven’t been paid yet and wasn’t up early enough to make my own. Get home, shower, go to work. Miss dinner because I’m at work. Get home at midnight. Eat way too much way too quickly. Lie in bed trying to sleep til early hours of morning.

Wake up. Miss breakfast because I figure 8.00 is a sleep-in and I’d prefer sleep to breakfast. Work the later starting shift. Miss lunch because am at work. Get something greasy on way home. Shower and head out to meet friends for drinks. Miss dinner. Drink way too much way too quickly. Lie in bed trying not to throw up til early hours of morning.

I have the day off tomorrow. I’m sleeping in, doing an essay, staying at home for dinner, and am getting to bed early! I cannot wait for tomorrow before it all starts again on Wednesday! (Now I’m off to work, without dinner. Greatttt)

(For those who aren’t aware, it’s based on Mark ‘Chopper‘ Read.)

But then some days you can absolutely love it…

And happy 21st birthday to Nellie (who is at her new domain!).